My Worst Day Ever
by BitterSweetTeller
Summary: Yes: This may actually be worse than facing H.Y.D.R.A. any day. A loose parody of the Black Widow's controversial relationship in the Age of Ultron movie. Rated K Plus for suggestive content and suggestive humor.


My Worst Day Ever

A Avengers: Age of Ultron Parody Fanfiction Story

Side Notes: If you haven't seen or read about the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie before reading this fanfiction, that's ok. This is just a loose parody of Age of Ultron, set weeks after Ultron came.

There are a few moderate spoilers for the first Avengers movie. But, reading or watching it is not required to read this fanfiction.

This oneshot story is also not meant to be taken entirely seriously. It's just supposed to be harmless fun with Avengers characters.

In the dark…

In all black, Black Widow comments, "why did I agree to this again?"

Over her dark gray cell phone, a faintly husky voice says, "faint sigh. Sorry. But, most of that is classified. But, if you really want to know…" It's Carol Danvers: Also known as Miss Marvel or Miss Marvel.

Black Widow faintly chuckles, "I'm Nick Fury's closest friend. I saw his lunchbox, and never said what he keeps in it. I think your secret's safe."

Miss Marvel hintingly adds, "My operation is in deep space. I can't tell anyone where. Codename Infinity Wars. Ever hear of it?" Black Widow shakes her head, "no. You think with a codename like that though, I would have."

Miss Marvel reasons firmly, "good. Then we're doing the rest of the universe a favor by keeping them in the dark."

Black Widow comments, "including me."

Miss Marvel figures, "sorry. If we were working together, that would be different. But, you chose to stay with the Avengers." Black Widow recalls faintly, "not exactly much of one. The world needs all the heroes it can get. And whatever name S.H.I.E.L.D. is calling itself now…you can be sure they'll find out sooner or later."

Faintly amused sounding, Miss Marvel figures, "sure. Are you sure you're not backing out though?"

Black Widow thinks out loud, "I'm not. No matter how much others may try to carve it out… No matter how discomforting it might be… My word is engraved in stone. Not usually so directly, of course. But, you know."

With mixed feelings, Miss Marvel adds, "yeah. I do. Good luck. Anyone else I know would be heading out the door already." Black Widow reasons sarcastically, "is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Miss Marvel adds, "I know Captain America already is."

Black Widow figures, "I'm not surprised. He's a good man. Thank you: That actually does help."

Miss Marvel faintly chuckles, "you're welcome. Got to go. Later." Black Widow faintly smiles back, "later."

She pulls back the dark purple curtains. And before her is a stage. All the Avengers are there: Before a live studio audience of mostly guys in sweaty undershirts and extremely carefree gals with blurred out toys and plastic things, sitting there all giddy like they snuck out from home to watch this in theaters.

In a sweaty white undershirt over his special chest plate, Tony Stark says, "hello, fellow playboys. Ahem. I mean, citizens. Sorry. Give me a second here." He drinks down a bottle of water with a kiddie Iron Man logo on it, and spits out some away from the camera. Tony Stark goes on, "thank you. And welcome to Who Wants to Date a Avenger?"

Black Widow rolls her eyes. She thinks to herself, "and any hope of decency has just gone out the window. Wonderful."

A blocky bright yellow neon lit sign with light red Avengers styled letters even says "Who Wants to Date a Avenger?" over the stage. With little firecracker noises going off, as if it wasn't embarrassing enough.

War Machine and Pepper are nowhere to be seen: Another thing Black Widow is thankful for.

Thor mutters, "I really don't get this game you speak of. I'm just here to understand this bizarre human custom to make games out of love." He mutters very lowly to himself, "and, because Jane Foster asked me to be on stage for some ungodly reason I'm as yet to understand."

Hawkeye, Falcon, and Quicksilver look at him funny. Vision just stands there emotionlessly, in his purple face and dark silver plating. Quicksilver has messy medium blond hair.

The Scarlet Witch just rolls her eyes from backstage: In her dark red open overcoat over her black top. She has slightly curly very dark brown hair.

Tony's gray cell phone rings. He says, "sorry. Got to take this."

He heads off stage.

Hulk mutters, "puny business man. Always got to be getting a rise out of someone. Might as well be us next."

In her thoughts, Black Widow reflects, "Carol wanted me to choose a man in her place. For obvious reasons. Still… Faint chuckle. How ironic would it be if I chose Bruce to show the other kids how to be adults: Before anyone catches on why I'm really here in her place?"

Then, Iron Man comes flying in over the crowd in his dark red signature battlesuit: Before touching down on the stage. Much applause and wolf whistles are in the crowd.

Robotic like, he announces through his battlesuit, "that's just me warming up. This is how to top me." Most all the Avengers just look annoyedly impatient, at the very least.

Hawkeye rolls his eyes, "doesn't take much." Black Widow can't help but chuckle a little there.

Iron Man pretends he didn't hear that. He pulls out a Iron Man styled wireless game controller, and starts moving the joystick.

A Iron Man battlesuit comes walking down the aisle in response. It's without repulsors. But, still plenty like the original. Applause echoes from the crowd. Iron Man sniffles joyously, "it's like my 20th birthday all over again. I figure the military could use a little more me in their life. Granted: Without the bells and whistles. But, for a limited time…this can be your birthday present too. Just give me ten bucks, let me ask Secret Level for you, and there you go."

Lots of applause and murmurs abound. Most of the Avengers just look impatient or annoyed.

Thor comments, "is this also part of this human custom?" With short black hair, Falcon comments, "it is for Tony Stark. Enough said."

Black Widow whispers commentatively, "yeah: We'll see how long that lasts when Nick Fury finds out."

She knows Tony is glaring at her from under the battlesuit. And, she doesn't care: Particularly now. Iron Man motions her backstage. She follows.

He mutters very lowly, "hey: I don't like being around you either. But, it's in my contract. And, if you don't want me to blast you off stage…don't get in my way."

The Scarlet Witch glares warningly at them: Ready with whatever chaos she can create.

Black Widow mutters, "let's just get this over with." Iron Man figures, "fine by me."

They both go back out there.

The Scarlet Witch stands down, breathing a sigh of relief to herself.

In his pale gray blue lined outfit, Quicksilver looks bored. He just yawns, not caring who notices.

Turning to the crowd, Iron Man goes on, "so…I'll be covering for him. Let's see… Where are those questions?"

Quicksilver speeds off and comes back. He comments smugly, "you mean these questions right here?"

Iron Man mutters, "hand them over, or I shoot!" With a electronic reader like device in hand, Quicksilver comments, "make me."

Iron Man is quickly charging up the repulsors in his gloves.

The Hulk laughs, "Hulk can smash you with a hand behind back." The Scarlet Witch calls back, "don't even think about it! He may be a jerk sometimes. But, he is my brother!"

Thor sighs annoyedly, "can't we all just not fight for once?!"

The Vision comments robotically, "thank you. My faith in humanity may very well be justified by your words, Asgardian."

Falcon and Hawkeye are automatically getting ready with their wings and arrows.

Black Widow calls out, "hold it!"

Confused, they all turn to her, "what?!"

Black Widow faintly chuckles, "you can either fight over me until I'm more than a hundred miles out the door…or you can listen to me."

Some confused muttering comes from the crowd.

Most of the other Avengers figure reluctantly, "fine." Thor, the Scarlet Witch, and The Vision look much relieved.

Black Widow reasons, "I already know who I choose."

Quicksilver comments, "oh, screw this! I'm out. You coming, sister?" He already is speeding out the door. The electronic reader is found smashed against the floor seconds later.

The Scarlet Witch comments, "you even have to ask? Faint sigh. Good luck, Black Widow." Black Widow comments back, "thanks. I think."

Iron Man comments, "good. The sooner this is over, the faster I can save a small eastern village or something."

Hawkeye figures confusedly, "so…who is the lucky man?"

Black Widow says in a matter of fact manner, "simple. The Hulk."

Iron Man comments, "well, someone has low standards."

The Hulk mutters angrily, "say that again?!" Iron Man slightly laughs, "why? Does the Hulk also have tiny ears?"

The Hulk is about to punch Iron Man across the stage…when Black Widow just run kicks him off.

Iron Man crashes into a empty seat…with some sparks going off from his battlesuit in his stunned state.

Hawkeye comments, "I hate to agree with Mister Commericalism here. But, he's got a point: This is the same guy who almost trampled you in the Helicarrier!"

Thor figures, "just because he has some anger issues doesn't make him a bad man. Besides, you're one to talk: Mister I-Am-Supposed-To-Be-One-Of-The-Best-Government-Agents-And-Can-Get-Mind-Controlled-By-A-Staff."

Hawkeye mutters harshly, "well, not all of us can be gods. Now, can we?"

Heated arguing ensues: On and off stage.

Black Widow urges, "come on, Banner: Let's leave these kids to their little problems." The Hulk starts turning back into Bruce Banner. He faintly chuckles, "right behind you."

On the way out the door, they find Bruce's mostly black motorcycle.

Bruce faintly smiles, "I thought you might pick me. I got to tell all my friends back home. Well…not exactly home anymore. General Ross took Betty and the rest of my childhood away."

Black Widow says, "I'm sorry."

Bruce reasons, "don't be. I got through it: It's amazing how many friends you can find again on Facebook."

Black Widow tries to tell him, "umm…yeah. Bruce…about what I said in there…"

Bruce insists calmly, "you don't have to say it. I know."

Black Widow sighs with relief, "oh, really? Thank you. I thought that'd be much harder to say. But, I guess not."

Bruce adds, "you're so thoughtful."

Black Widow looks very confused at him, "since when?"

Bruce concludes, "since you've always said that love is for children, and you've finally decided to give it a try to see what all the fuss is about before pre-judging."

Black Widow exclaims, "what?! That's not…"

But, someone loudly interrupts, "hey, Bruce. I just got your text! You're so lucky." Walking across the street is his cousin Jennifer: Also known as She-Hulk. An attorney with long black hair and clearly light green skin.

Black Widow just sighs into her hand.

Bruce calls back, "thanks! Maybe we could meet up to see the game later." She-Hulk calls back, "sure: I'll bring the chips! See you later."

Bruce turns back to Black Widow, "so…what were you trying to say?"

Black Widow faintly sighs, "I got somewhere to be. Some H.Y.D.R.A. agents left to round up. I'll tell you later."

As he gets on his motorcycle, Bruce figures, "sounds good. You coming tonight for the game? It'd just be the three of us, really."

Black Widow fakes a smile, "wouldn't miss it."

Bruce briefly kisses her.

Then, he calls back, "great. See you tonight!"

Black Widow waves to him.

As soon as he's out of sight… Black Widow runs out of sight of any Avenger.

And as soon as she's on the empty balcony of a apartment building high up… She takes out a bottle of water to gurgle some and spit out the taste towards the pavement below.

Black Widow thinks to herself:

Ugh! What does he even eat?!

I got to call Miss Marvel, Captain America, and Hawkeye. Get this all cleared up delicately…and without Bruce turning into the Hulk and smashing me across the city.

Even then… Sigh. I'd have to say this is my worst day ever.

You owe ME big, Carol Danvers. You owe me big.

 **The End Of A Parody…Or The Start of Spin-Off Fanfiction?**

 **Please Feel Free To Comment On Or Continue This Storyline**


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